Never a truer statement. 8 weeks since we lost Chris. Everything goes on just the same as it did before yet nothing is the same. We’ve all jumped back on the routine bus and yes it helps to get some normality.
The funny thing about grief is that it sneaks up on you and you are powerless to fight it.
It must be your brain getting you used to the idea by reminding you that person is no longer here. I have days where I’m actually quite positive and hopeful and can think about him and smile and laugh, then others when it hits me like an actual punch and I hold my breath till it passes.
My biggest source of pain is for the kids. He would have been a brilliant guiding influence for them. He had a really good instinct about things and was always the one that would be the bad cop and used to say he didn’t want to be their friend, his job was much more important than that, he was their Dad and had to try and shape them into good human beings. Maybe someone else in our circle will be that for them, I really hope so. Or have they learnt enough from him to last them.
It’s very tough for us all and made even tougher by the way he died. Mental illness is something we know very little about and I know only too well that not enough importance is given to treating it. We were so focused on treating the cancer that we lost Chris somewhere in the midst of all the poison his body was taking in. I knew he was the polar opposite of himself but believed that as his body healed his mind would follow. The extent of his misery is now obvious but none of us realised it and that is hard to accept.
That he believed we would be better off without him is even harder to comprehend.
We recently put his ashes in with his beloved Mum at the family grave, now I understand how people need to believe that the person is still with us somehow and not simply gone. I totally get that.